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My Pipe (It’s Shriekin’ [for You, Girl])

February 9, 2014

Okay, so, friends and lovers, I think we can all agree that the most accurate description of me containing a hyphenated word, a split infinitive, and a portmanteau would be “good-natured optimist who never fails to immediately perceive the positive side of a shituation.” That’s why I’m so goddamned pleased to report that the pipes running along the ceiling of this building’s laundry room, which awesomely is located directly below my apartment, have been screaming–YES, I SAID SCREAMING!!!–for the past 24 hours. Screaming! Practically nonstop! Great!

Yeah girl.
Can you hear that?
Kinda like how it sounds when someone’s takin’ a shower in the apartment next door but more shrill and constant yo?
All up in your ears kinda like a mosquito but much much muthafuckin’ louder?
And you put in earplugs but it don’t change shit ’cause the sound just travels right on through?
Well baby,
you know me pretty good by now,
so I probably don’t have to tell you that that’s my pipe,
and it’s shriekin’.
Yeeeahhh, it’s shriekin’ for you girl,
Like
[falsetto begins] Eeeeeeeeeee,
I want you so bad baby
Come over to my place for dinner
I’ll prepare a well-balanced meal and we can talk about how our lives have been going since we last hung out,
then I’ma tap that,
eeeeeeeeeee!

Roll up to yo’ place and I’m ready for some lovin’
‘Cause I just graduated from Vancouver School of Plumbin’.
I done learned how to screw, drill, hammer and caulk.
I ain’t seen you in a while so I don’t really wanna talk.
Expensive dress? Three-course dinner? Girl, you better toss it.
We both know I ain’t no lady, but tonight I’m Farrah Faucet.
Lights are low, iPod dock be thumpin’ out some drum and bass,
Suddenly you’re hearin’ somethin’ screamin’ all around the place,
But don’t sweat it ’cause your after-hours plumber’s on the case.
Could it be a loose washer or a busted pressure hose?
A sticky valve or water pipe that cracked because it froze?
A rusty radiator with its on/off knob missin’?
Girl quit makin’ speculations and just take a closer listen:
EeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeEEeeEeeEeEEeEEEEeeeeeeeeeEEEeeeeEEEEEEE
eeeeeeEEEeeeeEEEEEEeeeeEEEeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEeeEEeeEEEeeEEEEEEeeeeEEEEEEEEEEE
eeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

This, combined with a song and dance performance (“I’M TWERKING!!!!”) from the Double Threat who’s just moved into the apartment across from mine in the building next door, plus the usual collection of random bangs and thumps from the Captain of Industry upstairs who’s always working hard on his PhD thesis in physics (working title: A Thorough Investigation into the Quantity and Quality of Sounds Produced by Dropping Objects of Various Weights and Textures All Through the Day and Night), made for an unforgettable variety show that I had the great privilege of enjoying free of charge in my apartment yesterday evening. I would sell tickets to these sensational events, if only I knew when they were going to happen. Alas, the best I can do is to describe their magnificence in words after the fact. And if a picture is worth a thousand words, then by the Mathematical Principle of Reciprocalitousness a word is worth 1/1000 of a picture, which makes writing a pretty pointlessly inefficient activity! Wait…

This morning I finally left a note for the future Dr. Thumperson, politely asking him to conduct his academic investigations at more appropriate times, so we’ll see how that develops, but so far it’s exactly the same shit. I’d been putting off confronting him because he’s nothing like the genuinely insane physically abusive pimp/drug dealer/drug taker/drug dealer’s friend who periodically showed up to stay the night/loud girl/loud girl’s yappy chihuahua that I actually felt really sad for even as it barked for eight straight hours a day while locked in the bathroom combo that lived up there previously. He’s just a comparatively normal dude living a comparatively normal life that happens to disturb me at times because of the excellent acoustics in our building, and I don’t want to be all up in his business. But his business has woken me up at least once almost every night for the last six weeks, and this morning’s bowling-ball-like object crashing into the floor directly above my bed at 5:53 a.m. pretty much sealed the deal. I can only hope that he got some compelling measurements and auditory data from that event, because it would suck if its only effect was to wake his downstairs neighbour and send her into a teeth-grittingly-polite-note-writing rage state.

Egging the twerker’s window is next on my to-do list. Thanks to my screenless windows, conditions are perfect. Stay tuned.

Now let’s sing the chorus together! What does the pipe say?

EeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeEEeeEeeEeEEeEEEEeeeeeeeeeEEEeeeeEEEEEEE
eeeeeeEEEeeeeEEEEEEeeeeEEEeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEeeEEeeEEEeeEEEEEEeeeeEEEEEEEEEEE
eeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

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One Comment leave one →
  1. February 9, 2014 4:39 pm

    For whatever it’s worth, the “screaming” you’re hearing is likely from hot water pipes. Hot water pipes expand and rub against their anchoring straps when the water runs through them. The vibration causes a standing wave that reverberates across the length of the pipe. The temperature differential is greater in winter and makes the problem worse. Not an easy problem to fix, unfortunately, since the anchoring straps would need to be tightened or replaced. Left unattended, eventually the vibration will cause the solder joints to catastrophically fail as the solder becomes work hardened. I deduce, from the fact that you say it is almost constant, the building is heated with hot water radiators. This should be brought to the landlord’s attention, as besides being annoying, it has the potential for a lot of damage. Sorry…

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