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Excellent Costumer Service

October 21, 2012

Hallowe’en: a season of temporary new identities, individually wrapped peanut butter cups, and apostrophes that take ten minutes to explain to your ESL class. As everyone knows, wearing a costume on October 31 is the best way to show your support for the fine work that zombies, pumpkins, witches, and the departed souls of the dead are doing worldwide. If you haven’t chosen a costume yet, what the fuck is wrong with you? Here are some suggestions.

OUR DAILY BEARD’S TOP FIVE
MEMORABLE, MAKEABLE, ‘N’ reMARKABLE
HALLOWE’EN COSTUMES 2012

Hey, great costume!

1. VALUE VILLAGE. While many people purchase their costume at Value Village, few have ever attempted to dress as the bargain superstore itself. Logically, all the elements of this costume should be available at Value Village, right?

2. SEXY DRACULA. Ladies, do you like the idea of sucking blood to attain everlasting life but refuse to step out in a skirt that ends more than 3″ from your crotch? Then this costume idea is for you. An ensemble of black lingerie items based loosely (or, rather, tightly!) on the concept of what male vampires might wear, the sexy vampire costume is guaranteed to attract exactly the kind of attention you want. Trick AND treat!

3. CALVERT WATKINS. We can’t all be Sexy Dracula. For the clothing-mandatory nerds out there, what better way could there be to show your respect for one of the world’s top comparative linguists than to assume his erudite likeness for a day? The author of How to Kill a Dragon (classic!) and, even awesomelier, The American Heritage Dictionary of Indo-European Roots, Dr. Watkins is an inspiration to every classicist and displaced ex-classicist who sees the ancient thematic and syntactic traditions he so clearly maps out in his publications reflected in gangsta rap, and he would undoubtedly be fine with us dressing up as him. After all, he dresses up as himself every day!

4. GLUEBEARD. Pirates have been done a million times before, and I think we can all agree that it’s time for that “scurvy” idea to “walk the plank”! Gluebeard, as the name suggests, is a guy with glue in his beard. The beard could be fake or real, and hilarious stuff could be stuck to it, like golf tees, bottle caps, clumps of cat hair, dental floss, condom wrappers–basically, whatever you have lying around.

Queen Elizabeth II gazes longingly at a pair of Hot Cops (not pictured).

5. SEXY QUEEN ELIZABETH II. Indeed, I daresay it is becoming rather warm in here, such that I may see fit to remove each of my garments! The unwritten laws of Hallowe’en state that all females over age nine must wear form-fitting, risque costumes: sexy nurse, sexy cat, sexy Hitler, and so on. This year, show your respect for the 86-year-old figurehead of Canada by dressing as a tarted-up, classed-down version of Her Royal Highness. HINT: Your body is already equipped with several fascinators–no need to purchase one! Everyone will want an invitation to your afternoon T…and A!

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