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This Was Necessary to Do (Biggie Smalls & Queen Victoria Throwdown)

May 21, 2012
tags: ,

It’s something like Queen Victoria’s birthday today, and by the grace of Zeus it happens to be the Notorious B.I.G.’s birthday as well. Since I’m heading into an especially busy week at work and I’ll be out most of this evening, the obvious thing to do with my morning was to write a rap duet. It’s about to get all raw up in here.

– B.I.G. in the house and I’m Notorious.

– I’m V-I-C, and I, too, have been rather victorious.
Happy and glorious, long to reign over us.
Indeed, as you may have surmised, I’m royalty.

– The way you dressed in the best, ain’t no one surprised. My rhymes and my royalties flowin’ like the Thames, dem’s hoochie dollars in the pockets and Gucci wallets of my loyal Gs. I’m greasin’ palms like Pam in Florida,  throwin’ down’ more o’ da beats than GSP.

– Yes, I see. I stand high on my balcony, rather like a falcon
surveying its territory, if you will pardon the allegory.
Good sir, I give presents to the peasants (excuse the word play),
and my presence presents light to them in much the same way
as the sun presents light to the day.
Do you know what I’m saying?

– Shorty, I see that y’all ain’t playin’. You ain’t no liar. Stackin’ mad cash, pounds and pences higher than Snoop wit’ a J in a Coupe sippin’ Chardonnay. Okay, I’ma pick yo’ ass up tonight, we gon’ raise a cup tonight, soon y’all be growlin’ louder than the sound of my Benz is.

– What an excellent suggestion. Stupendous.

– Y’all ain’t even gotta question my intentions, no shyness, Your Royal Highness, I’m Big like Thomas Aquinas, and I’ma tap that regal ass wit’ the flyness of my Bed Stuyness, set y’all’s toes tinglin’.

-I shall be most willing to lie back and think of England.
Forsooth, my husband, Albert is out of the country.
Perhaps you will have a better sense of how to hump me.
He approaches me only bi-monthly, and his member is runty.

– Only thing Prince Albert good for is sittin’ in the can, ’cause he’s shit. He’s a employee, man. I’m the shit, I’m the Mafia boss. I’ma rock ya, make your twat hot wit’ my Sriracha cock sauce. Here my number. I’ma roll by around midnight in my Hummer. Can’t wait to spank you.

-Thank you.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. May 21, 2012 11:06 am

    Brilliant, as usual.

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