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Author Photos Now Available

March 8, 2012

In conjunction with a professional type thing that I do in real life, I’ve been asked for a nice photo of myself for a website.

At first I thought this would be an easy request to fill, as there are a ton of pictures of me running around out there. In my head I was planning on having it to the guy within ten minutes of his having asked for it, thereby demonstrating my commitment to total obnoxiousness. Then he asked, “Do you have an avatar photo that you use on your blog?” And I was THIS CLOSE [holds forefinger and thumb like half a centimetre apart] to saying, “Yeah, it’s a picture of me reclining on a love seat with my arm around the Oxford Latin Dictionary. Do you want me to send it over?”

Instead, I told him I’d have a look and get back to him later.

Now I’ve spent the past hour looking through my bazillion photo albums in a vain search for one picture of me that the majority of people who haven’t met me would perhaps fail to be totally weirded out by. There are only five criteria:

  1. smiling politely;
  2. wearing something normal;
  3. not dancing;
  4. not making a sexual/profane gesture;
  5. not holding a drink.

It turns out that no such picture of me exists. I’ll probably to have to stage one later today. But first, I wanted to share the highlights of what I do have available. If you are a publisher, agent, or curious bystander wondering to yourself, What does this fabulous writer who will die alone and poor and then enjoy posthumous fame from beyond the grave as the world finally comes to terms with her innovative use of language look like?, here’s what I can offer you. You are welcome to any or all of these.

There are photos of me:

  • fellating an ice stalagmite
  • riding on my cousin’s back (two of these; two different cousins)
  • pouring a shot of “vodka” for a two-year-old
  • making swear words out of my Scrabble tiles
  • pretending to stab someone with 10 steak knives
  • hoisting moose antlers onto my head
  • pretending a beer bottle is my cock
  • pretending my finger is my cock (through unzipped pants) (with my siblings)
  • pretending a Strongbow can is my cock
  • holding hands with my cousin while gazing longingly into her eyes
  • licking a playing card
  • drinking a giant bottle of Jagermeister while holding a second, smaller bottle in my other hand
  • drinking a jug of wine
  • drinking a bottle of Hennessy
  • holding a bottle of spiced rum like a newborn infant
  • holding a Burt Reynolds shot (140 of these–usually I’m doing the moustache thing with my index finger)
  • wielding an electric knife with a maniacal expression on my face
  • sexily posing with a cat, while wearing nothing but duct-taped leggings, a grey cami, and a pound of eye makeup
  • wearing a Christmas cracker hat, holding a ridiculously oversized slice of turkey on my fork (75 of these)
  • sticking my ass out while doing the dishes (also 75 of these, most featuring cousins)
  • doing a sexy dance with a tea towel and my cousin/sister (35+ of these)
  • posing with my sister in front of  a Christmas tree adorned with a large rooster ornament and two large decorative golden balls
  • posing in my bathing suit at one end of a hot dog with somebody’s name on it (too many of these to count)
  • giving a double thumbs-up for absolutely no reason (1,000,000 of these)
  • grinning like a douchebag with jumbo shrimp stuck up my nostrils
  • giving the finger in front of the family Christmas tree
  • having a wind-up sushi race with a table full of classicists
  • pretending to gnaw through a fallen log like a beaver
  • riding a cat made of snow
  • bending over with the friends I made the snow cat with, showing how our crotch areas are wet from riding the snow cat
  • dancing on a table in various articles of leopard print clothing
  • pretending to make out with a fireplace tool
  • throwing a penny into the crotch of a fountain featuring a nude female sculpture
  • sitting on top of a 5′ scratching post, laughing hysterically
  • drinking the worm from a bottle of tequila, using an egg cup for a shot glass because we ran out of shot glasses
  • making monster faces at my friend’s wedding
  • reading Euripides with my glasses hanging off my face
  • at Denny’s, feeding bacon to a person wearing a face mask
  • wearing a neck pillow and a head lamp, staring out a car window
  • “seductively” slurping a Jello shot out of the mould
  • holding watermelon halves in front of my chest like they’re my breasts
  • getting second-based by a cat
  • dressing my cousin in a raunchy outfit made out of toilet paper
  • throwing my Master’s thesis into a bonfire
  • pretending to shove my friend into English Bay
  • bending over at the beach (at least 30 of these)
  • posing with a medieval sword against a wall covered in other medieval weapons
  • wearing a toga and drinking a beer at 8:30 a.m.
  • flashing “gang signs”

and of course

  • reclining on a love seat with my arm around the Oxford Latin Dictionary

I don’t even know how to begin trying to explain this. Like, I’ve known all along that I was really fucking weird, but this is the first time I’ve sat down and compiled the visual evidence. It’s pretty impressive.

Hey, how annoying is it that I haven’t included a photo with this post? REALLY annoying!

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