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Jam the Printer

November 27, 2011

A few weeks ago my incredible dissertating BFF was annoyed by a printer jam at her office and wrote a perfectly reasonable Facebook status about it. I sprang into action immediately. Later, a sympathetic comment from a friend led to the composition of the chorus. The unnecessary, inappropriate lyrics below (minus the second verse) went over especially well with the BFF’s aunt, which surprised me at first, but then I was visited by a memory of her becoming similarly excited when Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back” was played at her niece’s wedding, and it all started to make more sense.

PREDICTION: “Jam the Printer” will be #1 in several Eastern European countries by the end of January 2012. I should probably get to work recruiting backup dancers for the video.

[techno beat builds up for 1.5 minutes]

Hey, baby, I’m your boss.
Shake that ass like Frisco Sauce.
Love its tightness, love its softness.
Baby, step into my office.
Staff meeting, just us two.
Staring contest, me and you.
Workin’ hard all through the winter.
I’m about to jam the printer.

[techno beat continues with some dubsteppy bass wobblings added]

Man: You got somethin’ against my office equipment?
Lady: I got my ass against your office equipment.
Man: Think my hard drive’s overheated.
Lady: How’d my panties get deleted?

[more of the grinding beat]

Lock the door, turn off the phone.
More gets done when we’re alone.
Here’s a memo: Drop that skirt.
Pop those buttons off that shirt.
Sit that butt up on the copier.
Shit’s about to get much sloppier.
Girl, I brought my one-hole punch.
Think we’ll have to work through lunch.
Grab that chest and stick it right out.
Don’t stress mess; there’s tons of white-out.
So much wood you’ll get a splinter.
I can’t wait to jam the printer.

Lady’s voice: Hello, you’ve reached the office of Dick Sexington. Unfortunately, we are unavailable at this time. Please call back during regular business hours, or leave a message at the tone.

[sexual type sounds,
techno beat for 5 more minutes,
slow fadeout]

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Felicia permalink
    November 28, 2011 7:16 am

    I have never commented before, preferring instead to silently enjoy your blog.
    This made my morning!

    • Kate permalink*
      November 30, 2011 9:30 am

      Well, thank you for your silent enjoyment. And for temporarily breaking it. I seriously want to record this “song.” It may yet happen; all I need is a keyboard and a couple of drunk friends…

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