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May 6, 2011

From a very young age, every girl dreams about her wedding day playlist. Assuming that the other details–hair and nails, reception location, coordination of bridesmaid attire, finances, guest selection, centrepieces, meeting and somehow impressing a person she wants to “be with” (that’s basically a phrasal verb now, eh?) for the rest of her life and vice versa, etc.–will just naturally fall into place when the time is right, she spends hours scrutinizing the song collection in her iPod, imagining the possibilities. She knows that the music is what matters most at any wedding celebration. Five years later, nobody will remember who married whom or what they were wearing at the time, but they will vividly recall every move of the spontaneous dance routine that sprung up among the bride and her cousins when the DJ threw on Blackstreet’s “No Diggity.” Only an ignorant fool would deny that choosing the right songs is the #1 most important task of anyone who is legally eligible to get married some day.

I’ve been working on my playlist for decades. If, god forbid, some very special person enters my life and I find myself powerless to escape, I can at least promise our wedding guests a solid lineup of tunes.

The most important thing is that we will–no: must–enter the reception hall to AC/DC’s “For Those About to Rock.” I’m totally firm on this. Any person I do manage to fall permanently in love with will have to understand that arguing is futile. Preferably we’ll come blazing into the room right after the cannons have gone off and the tempo speeds up. Bang! Married! Awesome.

The jury’s still out on the first dance. So many options! Will it be a classic love song like “Pony” (Ginuwine), “No Scrubs” (TLC), or “The Bad Touch” (Bloodhound Gang)? Probably. Few topics have been more thoroughly explored in music than physical and emotional affection, so I’m sure we’ll be able to choose something appropriate to the dignity of the moment. My only regret is that, due to its being 16 minutes long and fairly self-consciously undanceable until the last 2 or so of those, I have had to give up my long-dreamt dream of using Joanna Newsom’s lyrically and structurally kickass “Only Skin” for this purpose. Narrow escape there, hypothetical spouse! But don’t worry, I’ll definitely be playing it in our house–no, let’s be realistic: our studio apartment–nine or ten times a day.

After the first dance, we’ll kick off the party with “Brooklyn’s Finest,” the most played song on my iPod. Anybody who doesn’t get up and start busting a serious move will be ejected from the wedding. That includes you, Grandma! And there’s plenty more Hova and Biggie in the forecast. “Roc Boys,” “Hypnotize,” “Off That,” “I Just Wanna Love U” (timeless in its crassness), and of course “Big Poppa” will be blasting through the stereo, filling the reception hall with more bass than a Blue Jays game. No, more bass than Clearwater Lake, ON. Choosing between an auditory pun and a visual pun has always been impossible for me, so I leave the decision to you.

Somewhere in there I like the idea of laying down a love and war combo: “One” by U2 and Metallica, respectively. Contrast, ma’fuckas. Contrast. And somewhere else in there, the guests will be treated to somebody’s version of “Nobody Loves You When You’re Down and Out,” which is both a great song and a true statement.

It goes without saying that Dance Mixes ’93 through ’95 will feature prominently in the proceedings, and the DJ will assuredly fail to include neither “Cheeky Song” by the Cheeky Girls nor Nelly’s “Hot in Herre.” These super hits will be intermingled with tracks recorded by rock bands during the decade known as “the 1970s.” There was some pretty good music back then, it would seem!

Further details are still being worked out. I look forward to seeing some of you there and sharing my musically special day with you. Be sure to discreetly tuck a pair of running shoes into your pants pockets or down your shirt, because I know from experience that if you do the “Rasputin” Cossack dance in heels, although you will look amazing and you might not even fall down, you’ll pay for your hubris with next-day foot agony.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. Andrea permalink
    May 6, 2011 9:29 pm

    OK this post confirms that we are indeed related.

    • Kate permalink*
      May 7, 2011 4:28 pm

      Have you been doubting it all this time? You hid it well!

  2. Alison permalink
    May 9, 2011 9:18 am

    Jeff wanted me to walk down the aisle to Paul Anka, “Havin’ My Baby,” and he wanted us to walk out to “Welcome to the Jungle.” I didn’t think everyone would get the irony so we went with The Beatles, “Here Comes the Sun.” I applaud AC/DC.

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