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Meet the Author!

January 15, 2011

Those of you out there who read this blog must be scratching your merkins and wondering: Who’s writing these weird posts, and how does she know I’m wearing a pubic wig?

Those are both great questions, and I’m going to answer the first one. For the first time in Our Daily Beard history, the author of Our Daily Beard has conducted an extensive interview of the author of Our Daily Beard, viz. herself, and posted the transcribed conversation on Our Daily Beard. Pour yourself a fresh glass of club soda and prepare to be slaughtered by an onslaught of insight as questioner and questionee engage in jovial banter on a wide range of topics as they self-interview themselves.

KS: Hi, thanks for taking the time to meet with me today. I know you’re busy.

KS: No problem. I always try to do whatever it takes to fit people in.

KS: That’s what she said!

[KS and KS high-five each other and laugh hysterically for 40 years]

KS: What do you do of a Saturday?

KS: Of a Saturday? You can stop that right now. I was told there would be no British preposition use in this interview.

KS: On a Saturday.

KS: Usually I can be found in my apartment reading literature and listening to music. How about you?

KS: This isn’t about me. What the fuck is wrong with your face, by the way?

KS: Laundry detergent allergy.

KS: Ah, yes, allergy. From Greek all-, “other,” and erg-, “work.” The entry for allergy in the OED is fascinating; you should–

KS: It’s weird, I’ve known you forever and this is the first time I’ve really noticed how irritating you are.

KS: Mm hmm. So in your opinion, is life a meaningful and ultimately positive experience carefully choreographed by God such that every individual lives out his or her destiny, or just a shit show of strangeness that couldn’t be less logical if it tried and all you can do is write and drink and work on your music collection and try not to cry in public too often?

KS: Probably more like the second one.

KS: How many cups of coffee have you had today?

KS: Several. But the guy at the Starbucks I usually go to has developed a crush on me and every time I go there he flirts a little more overtly so I’m going to have to maybe start bringing it from home when I have class or work. Or getting it at 7-Eleven; they have good coffee. Cheap, too. I have a Starbucks gift card though, so. But there must be pretty good lighting in there because he said he liked my eyes and I look like a pothead raccoon from this allergy.

KS: Pothead raccoons need love too.

KS: Tell me about it.

KS: Pothead raccoons need love too.

KS: You can say that again.

KS: Pothead raccoons need love too. On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your hotness?

KS: Looks 7, brains 8.5, rap composition skills 9, bluntness 10.

KS: Are rap composition skills and bluntness part of hotness?

KS: To me they are.

KS: That would explain your relationship status. Have you heard the new Eminem album?

KS: Parts of it. I really like the flow on “Love the Way You Lie.” Rihanna I can take or leave. Oh–speaking of guest stars on rap tracks, I’m having a hard time forgiving Fergie for butchering her part of Kanye West’s “All of the Lights.” It’s a kickass song otherwise. He should have brought back Nicki Minaj; she fucking kills “Monster.”

KS: I completely agree with that. What are you reading these days?

KS: Various poets and poetesses. Shitloads of textbooks on how to teach English grammar and pronunciation. Jay-Z’s memoir. Which is a fucking commentary, by the way, in the most straightforward traditional sense of the word. Lyrics on the left, notes and references on the right. Hip-hop and ancient poetry get more similar every day.

KS: What would you say are your top three least favourite things?

KS: Um… Bigotry, dishonesty, and being touched by strangers. Also seafood and bad writing.

KS: That was five.

KS: I know how many it was. Math would be number six. Should death be on the list maybe? I don’t really know what it consists of so I guess not. Like, maybe it’s fine, who knows. Although other people’s deaths pretty reliably suck. Yeah, if you want to you can put death instead of seafood when you write this up.

KS: I’ll consider that. What’s your favourite swear word?

MR: The eff curse. No fucking question.

KS: Well, that’s all I’ve got. Thanks for doing this. I think your fans will really appreciate it.

KS: Yeah, if they’re not too busy combing and grooming their merkins before they hit the clubs tonight.

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