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Performance Review

October 9, 2010

October 1 was the eight-year anniversary of the day I bought a used cat online. A very brave person from the MEOW Foundation in Calgary loaded her into a crate and drove the crate to my apartment, where she even more bravely opened it. A huge miserable Sappho (actually Midnight, but I fixed that right quick) emerged, gave me a look of utter contempt, and slunk into a tiny cubbyhole at the back of my TV stand, where she remained for about two weeks. Eventually she came out to eat, which she hasn’t stopped doing for more than 30 consecutive minutes since then. Sappho has gained at least five pounds since 2002. She’s flown in an airplane more times and had more homes than most people ever do, and she’s only 10.

 

Flat Cat

 

To celebrate our eight-year anniversary I thought now would be a good time to conduct a performance review and issue my little friend a report card of sorts, so she can see where she’s at and maybe work on some things.

  • AMOUNT OF CLAWS: A+
  • FOOD CONSUMPTION: A
  • HEALTH: A (no veterinary emergencies; she obviously knows what income bracket she’s been adopted into)
  • SARCASM/CONTEMPT: A

 

Are you fuck%$g serious?

 

Looking stellar so far. She could get into the snobbiest university in the land with grades like those. Onward!

  • MASTERY OF PORNOGRAPHIC POSES: A
  • PATRIOTISM: B+
  • LITTERBOX MANNERS: B- (generous)
  • FRIENDLINESS TO OTHERS: C-

 

She's wearing the shirt--but with reluctance.

 

 

Sappho's Burlesque Hour

 

Getting less impressive at this point. Plenty of room for improvement. But hey–the As from the first section balance these out, right? Nobody’s perfect; we all have our weaknesses. Still a solid A-/B+ average. Maybe she can turn it around by mid-semester if she really applies herself. And it’s not over; the next round might pull the GPA back up…

  • HUSTLE: D
  • CONTRIBUTION TO HOUSEHOLD EXPENSES: F
  • SHARING: F-

 

The deadly sin of sloth

 

Nope! Terrible. That settles it: this cat has no future in post-secondary institutions. But fuck it. Sappho’s still the best roommate I’ve ever had. We’ve belonged together since the day the MEOW person let her out of the cat crate.

Here’s to at least eight more years of sarcasm, misanthropy, and stealing each other’s seats.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Lisa permalink
    October 17, 2010 8:33 pm

    I’m so glad Scott showed me your website, your blogs make my day! they’re brilliant and sarcastic and honest. Love!

    • Kate permalink*
      October 18, 2010 7:07 am

      I like everything about this comment. A+.

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