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Write Fiction–The Downtown Vancouver Street Name Way!

September 22, 2010
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I live near the intersection of Nelson Street and Burrard Street, and every time I’m standing at the corner waiting to cross I get sucked into the name-obsession that’s been one of the hallmarks of my obnoxiousness for nearly 31 years. Nelson Burrard. First of all, that would be a hell of a pseudonym. If I ever start writing subversive pamphlets and distributing them around town, that will be the name on the front page. Nelson Burrard, concerned citizen.

But lately Nelson has developed into a sort of smooth-talking police detective type character. Crooks can run but they can’t hide from Agent Nelson Burrard. He’s on the street and working the beat. A sleuthing ace, he’s on the case. Just yesterday he intercepted a West End jewellery heist, after which he celebrated by taking one of his many attractive if not particularly intelligent lovers for a satisfying meal on Granville Street. No, Nelson Burrard doesn’t go in for hoity-toity dining. He’s raw and gritty 24-7. He eats where the people eat: the Loose Moose. But he’s not above flashing his badge and enjoying the perks of local celebrity. He’s got a broad to impress and he wants to pound back a few pints from the best seat in the house.

Countless other characters hang out on the corners of Vancouver’s downtown streets, waiting to be discovered. Tonight Agent Burrard is dining with none other than wealthy socialite Georgia Robson. She’s in love with the detective–but you wouldn’t know it from her aloof demeanour. Dressed classily in a form-fitting navy blue number accented by a string of pearls and a pair of heels that elongate her luscious legs to a point where even a giraffe would be jealous, Georgia has one thing and one thing only on her mind: marriage. Single and childless at 32, she’s begun to despair that her demanding career in the fashion world has ruined her chance to find true love and start a family. Will she be able to cure Agent Burrard of his sexual addiction and borderline alcoholism? Will their relationship hold up through her subsequent discovery that she’s been infertile all along? Of course not! Uhh, I mean Stay tuned!

And don’t worry, the troubled couple will be joined by a vivid cast as they enact the various tragicomic advances and retreats that accompany a passionate affair that gets out of hand and turns into something neither partner is equipped to deal with the emotional consequences of. Lovable ex-farmer Granville Hastings, his business bankrupted by three consecutive years of bad weather, has moved to the city in the hope of finding steady, reliable work. Meanwhile, he’s moonlighting as a part-time custodian at Georgia’s upscale boutique, and boy howdy, can he talk a lady’s ear off faster than a hound chasin’ a rabbit! One thing’s for sure: there’s no love lost between him and that snooty Seymour Helmcken at the EI office. A longtime lover of red tape and corporate hierarchies, Helmcken is gunning for a promotion that would move him from a front-counter wicket to a private office and add a few grand a year to his bank account. Surely then his longtime on-again, off-again girlfriend Davida “Davie” Thurlow would take him seriously? But Davie’s got problems of her own: abandoned by her father as a young child, up to her wispy bangs in credit card debt, she’s hardly in the mood for wining and dining. And by the way, why can’t she stop thinking about the mesmerizing cleavage of Nicola Pender, her therapist’s misanthropic tongue-studded receptionist? Will she stick with predictable Seymour or will her life take a sexy new direction? Is it possible that they might all be willing to participate in some kind of awkward yet strangely compelling threesome? Nicola’s down with it, I can tell you that much. Stay tuned!

Intersections airs Thursdays at 8:00 p.m. MST.

If this post didn’t waste enough of your time, feel free to avail yourself of the following: http://wordsmith.org/anagram/advanced.html. Click on the link. If you’re a language-loving nerd looking for some serious distraction, you will not be disappointed.

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