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I Got$ Da Honeyz

April 11, 2010

“I know you’re not doing the blog as often,” writes my sist a concerned reader, “BUT it’s come to my attention, while listening to [Jay-Z’s] ‘Girls, Girls, Girls,’ that you have done all kinds of rap songs–the where you came from rap, the explaining how fly you are, the explaining how hard as eff you are–everything EXCEPT the one about all the ladies (and men and stalkers and chocolate senders) you get. I want a rap about that!”

Thank you, Anna complete stranger, for your excellent suggestion. All things considered, I can’t believe I’ve failed to compose that particular brand of throwdown. Obviously it is necessary to do.

U think u hot shit, muthafucka, quit ya playin’.
U be tepid, I’m intrepid, yeah, u know what I’m sayin’.
U just lukewarm Earl Grey,
I’m Point Grey,
I got bitchez every day,
And da manz want me too, tell me whatcha gonna do?
I be busy in da bedroom, but bitch, don’t be hatin’.
E’y time I walk by, u so turned on u masturbatin’.
U wanna kiss this.
Shit, I got more stalkings than Christmas,
more creepers than a garden.
Sir, I beg your pardon, I believe u got a hard-on.

I got$ da moneyz, dolla billz n wicked blingz,
I got$ da diamondz n da rubiez n da em’raldz n thingz.
Be$t believe I got$ da honeyz 2 my left and 2 my right,
I ain’t no rollin’ $tone, I’m gettin’ $ati$faction 2night.

U gets disses, I gets kisses, I been in da game since ’99.
Dis boy came to my door, he be like, “Bitch you lookin’ fine.”
I was so bored u coulda called me two-by-four.
I dunno what women do guys for,
What they be openin’ they two thighs for.
We went out once, then I ain’t never seen that dude no more.
I ain’t got no time for no immature male.
I pay no interest, I’m like a Boxing Day furniture sale.

I got$ da moneyz, dolla billz n wicked blingz,
I got$ da diamondz n da rubiez n da em’raldz n thingz.
Be$t believe I got$ da honeyz 2 my left and 2 my right,
I ain’t no rollin’ $tone, I’m gettin’ $ati$faction 2night.

Call me a stone ‘cause I rock, I’m a hard-cursin’ female,
I get stalked by phone, in person, and by e-mail,
And one time wit’ flowers when I was workin’ in retail,
Oh, and den once by postcard wedged tight
into my patio door at night
By some dude in my ‘hood
Who been thinkin’ I looked good.
He been stalkin’ me wit’out even talkin’ to me.
We didn’t never even meet,
he just been watchin’ me walkin’ down the street.

I got$ da moneyz, dolla billz n wicked blingz,
I got$ da diamondz n da rubiez n da em’raldz n thingz.
Be$t believe I got$ da honeyz 2 my left and 2 my right,
I ain’t no rollin’ $tone, I’m gettin’ $ati$faction 2night.

This one time on a Greyhound bus,
dude beside me decided’ he plus I equaled us,
so drunk that not mucha what he said was clear,
but I done heard every word of “I’ma fuck you right here.”
I got kinda frantic
‘cause that wasn’t too romantic.
He slept on me the rest of the way to Regina.
Logically this next line should prob’ly end in “vagina.”
This other time I done done a translation
for some dude of high station,
very very debonair, he had his own stationery.
He had a wife
and a life
and it didn’t seem right to me
how often he would write to me.
I was creeped out and I stopped replyin’
He freaked out and no lyin’,
for weeks he kept tryin’.

I got$ da moneyz, dolla billz n wicked blingz,
I got$ da diamondz n da rubiez n da em’raldz n thingz.
Be$t believe I got$ da honeyz 2 my left and 2 my right,
I ain’t no rollin’ $tone, I’m gettin’ $ati$faction 2night.

Hell, I’m hotter than Hades,
I got more ladies
than Aristophanes’ Lysistrata.
When you’s such a sexy sister
e’ybody wanna sit wit’ ya.
This one chick one time,
we caught a flick one time,
an’ I guess she thought the night was rockin’,
‘cause she gave me quite a stalkin’.
Once or twice a day, hey, who that be at my door knockin’,
Leavin’ gifts and notes and shit? As if I had to guess.
It caused me mad stress, I was a bad mess.
But ya can’t blame a bitch for bein’ smitten
Over such a finger-lickin’ sexy little kitten.

I got$ da moneyz, dolla billz n wicked blingz,
I got$ da diamondz n da rubiez n da em’raldz n thingz.
Be$t believe I got$ da honeyz 2 my left and 2 my right,
I ain’t no rollin’ $tone, I’m gettin’ $ati$faction 2night.

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