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5 Fab Ways to Look Younger!

March 21, 2010

According to a recent online survey, 83% of women would rather be decapitated by terrorists than look their age. And here at Our Daily Beard, we’re not surprised! Beauty magazines have said it again and again: old is OUT! Sure, there’s a fringe of feminists and unpopular, overweight women who cling to ideas like “beauty comes from within!”–but deep down, those ladies know that they’re destined to a life of single, unfulfilled misery. It’s time to get real about the importance of staying youthful!

Here they are, ladies: 5 sass-tastic, sex-sational ways to keep the world from learning the terrible truth: that you’re 25, 30–or even older! Put these tips to work and before you know it, you’ll be feeling as happy, confident, and sexually satisfied as you did at at 18!

Youth Tip #5: TAKE AN OLDER LOVER.

Okay, maybe you thought it was cute to marry a man your age who had similar aspirations and interests. You might even have been in love. But if being with your husband in public draws attention to the embarrassing fact that you aren’t 22 anymore, ditch him! Then head straight to the Craigslist personals and land yourself a lunker ten to fifteen years your senior. Feel free to play the field and enjoy free dinners (not to mention *ahem* desserts) until you’ve found a man whose appearance offsets yours perfectly. Ideally, when you two are out on the town, strangers won’t be able to tell whether you’re his sexy young mistress or his 16-year-old daughter!

Youth Tip #4: HAVE MAJOR SURGERY.

Ain’t technology grand? These days, there’s no excuse for a woman to age naturally. From Botox to full body reconstruction, a gal’s got a world of options. You work hard, girl–treat yourself to that face lift, toss in a tummy tuck and a round of liposuction, and don’t skimp on the gluteal implants! Don’t let nature walk all over you! Recovery is no picnic, but neither is being shunned and mocked by your entire society! Trust us–the pain will be well worth it.

Youth Tip #3: DON’T DRESS YOUR AGE.

There’s nothing like a leopard-print tank top and a slick pair of spandex hot pants to tell the world: I’m sexy, available, and barely legal! Maybe you have to dress conservatively for work, but after hours, your wardrobe is completely up to you, and the world is your catwalk! Work it, girl! Shopping at trendy outfits (no pun intended!) like Forever 21 and Abercrombie & Fitch will soon render your closet indistinguishable from that of a college freshman. Ooh la la Sassoon!

Youth Tip #2: LEAVE THE KIDS AT HOME.

It’s not a crime to have kids–but it’s a major faux-pas to take them out in public! Anybody who sees you with children will automatically assume that you’re married, sexually unavailable, and most depressingly of all, OLD! Mommy time is best spent indoors; when you’re planning to go to a mall or a grocery store, leave your little miracles with a friend or relative. You’ll get some much-needed “me time,” and your youthful image will remain intact!

Youth Tip #1: ACTUALLY BE YOUNGER.

There’s no substitute for genuine youth, and a 19-year-old is just inherently better than a 25-year-old. Have you seen how much fun young women have these days? They have the best of both worlds: the right to get an education, and the right to get down and dirty with as many hot coeds as time allows! If you’re in the 17-20 age range: do everything in your power to stay there! These are going to be by far the best years of your life, and you want to enjoy them to the utmost!

Well, ladies, that’s it–follow these five tips and pretty soon you’ll be envied by women and wanted by men! It doesn’t matter what your birth certificate says, because presumably you burned that thing a long time ago. Sure, it’s tough to maintain a youthful appearance, but as women, your happiness depends on it!

But we want to hear from YOU: what are YOUR favourite youth tips? How do YOU fight the war against nature? Let us know!

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