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Attention Immigrants: We Have Lesbians!

March 3, 2010

I’m sure a lot of people are going to want to do this, and a bunch of those lot already have, but I plan on doing it the most obnoxiously.

Back story: some guy in the Harper government, Jason Kenney I believe is the gentleman’s name, was in charge of putting out a guidebook that will give immigrants a rundown of, among other things, the rights and freedoms available to Canadians. The original version of the guidebook contained a few references to the recent legalization of what is known in the everyday Canadian vernacular as homoerotically proclivitous connubiality. I haven’t personally seen the document in question and I think I’ve made it pretty clear that I’m not a journalist, but let us go ahead and presume that said references were professionally written, contextually appropriate, and not printed in rainbow font or the like. Let us boldly postulate that marriages of a non-heterosexual variety were not described as, e.g., “mandatory,” “more satisfying than man-on-woman relationships,” and/or “Jason Kenney’s #1 most favourite thing” in this document that I haven’t personally seen. Anyway. Either the J-Man or an editor working under his direction deleted all of the gay marriage references during the revision process, and with a scandal having arisen, this conservative cocksucker enjoyer of delicious female vagina is saying things like “Of course the information guide can’t contain every last fact about life in Canada; good lord, that would be ridiculous, can you imagine, every single fact, millions and billions of them, the document would go on and on and on at interminable length, like this sentence.” But one strokes one’s beard and wonders: if the items of a “fruity” or “sapphic” nature were not troubling him, if he viewed them as neutral facts, then why did he make the effort to have them removed?

New and prospective citizens of Canada, please consider this an appendix to the information guide you will receive upon applying for citizenship in my home and native land. Feel free to cut on the dotted lines and slip this page right into your government-issued handbook.



Humans of the world, Canada is a country where men and women have many rights, even during long, bleak times of Conservative leadership. As you may have read earlier in this document, we can vote, we can go to Starbucks without worrying about gun-wielding 70-year-olds, we can wear pants without getting stoned in the street, and so on. It can get cold in the winter, but there are coats for that, and overall, Canada is a pretty sweet place to live as homelands go.

One of the many things you can do if you live here is marry someone of the same gender as you. You can also choose to marry someone of a different gender, or to not marry anyone. Those are basically the three options. Upon arriving in Canada, you may pursue whichever one best reflects certain sailent details of your humanity.

If you are somebody who feels inclined toward homoerotically proclivitous connubiality, you may have met with a certain amount of negative attention in your country of origin. Such attention may also occur to some extent in Canada, because people have freedom of speech, which in certain cases ends up being synonymous with freedom of ignorance. But only a small percentage of Canadians are judgmental douchebags. The rest of us are pleasant and reasonable. According to our national anthem or “theme song,” Canada is the land of the free. That means you don’t have to conceal the 2-litre carton of Homo milk in your Safeway shopping basket with box after box of condoms or tampons. You can check out Friedrich Nietzsche’s The Gay Science with confidence. You can name your cat after any Mytilenean poet you like.

Welcome to Canada. Bienvenue au Canada.


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