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Our Daily Beard Answers The Internet

February 26, 2010

Google now does this thing where when you start typing it automatically creates a drop-down menu of the most common searches that begin in the same way your search does. This feature serves as a sometimes hilarious, sometimes disturbing (example: there are over three times as many hits for “How do I kill my baby” as for “How do I get pregnant”) floodlight on humanity’s innermost insecurities and filthiest secrets. Having conducted some eye-opening research last night, I know that millions and millions of people out there need answers and are turning to the internet to get them. I want to do my part by sharing some of the wisdom I’ve accrued over the years. Many deep and complex online questions will be answered today. Read carefully – some of them may be yours!

2,960,000 curious cats ask:

“Why is my poop green?”

I don’t know, but maybe you guys could get together with the 3,600,000 people wondering why theirs black, the 7,200,000 wondering why theirs is white, the 5,390,000 wondering why theirs is blue, the 2,490,000 wondering why theirs is orange, the 6,650,000 wondering why theirs is red, and the 3,130,000 wondering why theirs is yellow and do some kind of kickass art project!

100,000,000 Mr. and Ms. Vains inquire:

“What would I look like with blonde hair?”

You’d look like you, but with blonde hair.

9,750,000 sexually active people out there are wondering:

“Can I get pregnant from a dog?”

No, you cannot get pregnant from a dog – unless you’re a dog yourself, in which case I am that much more impressed by your ability to type.

27,000,000 inquisitive individuals query:

“Is it normal for girls to come?”

Come where? Ideally, they should stay in the kitchen, unless they have cleaning duties to perform in other rooms of the house.

22,000,000 buxom broads want to know:

“Do men like big breasts?”

Uh – are the first and second principal parts of echo unaspirated and aspirated respectively in accordance with Grassmann’s law?

394,000,000 particularly perplexed people ask:

“What is the date today?”

It’s Friday, February 26, 2010. That was an easy one!

1,350,000 patriots, many of whom are unfamiliar with the concept of a tautology, wonder:

“What is the Canadian dollar worth?”

It’s worth one loonie. I wrote a rap fadeout about this back in December: A loon costs ten ships. A loon costs four moose. You can buy a polar bear with two hundred maple leaves. Wilfrid Laurier’s generous, he’ll always buy you a hundred beavers. Unnnh. Great White North, G.

That ought to answer your question.

9,600,000 timekeepers in the making ask:

“Who can 69 the longest?”

Where’s Tiresias when you need him? Unfortunately, whether your “Who” refers to a race, a nationality, a gender, or a specific person, I don’t have the experience it would require to answer this question. Perhaps some kind of worldwide round-robin tournament could be arranged.

Do you have a question that was not answered in this column? Let us know! Our Daily Beard‘s team of colobus monkeys work round the clock to type out articulate replies to our valued readers’ correspondence. Have a fucking great weekend!

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