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Scaturday Night Live

January 23, 2010

Today’s post title is a double pun; it’s got “scat” and “turd.” Someone mail this woman a Pulitzer!

I had a class this afternoon, part of which consisted of an exercise where we had to pick items out of various bags and envelopes and then, in 15 minutes, produce a piece of writing that took all the blindly selected items into account. The literary equivalent of an improv skit, basically. To protect the privacy of many innocent people and the innocent program I attend in their company, I can’t describe the scene in any more detail than that, but in a way it hardly matters, because there’s no possible context that could adequately explain, let alone justify, the composition of the following:

Like hungry wolves my stomach growls;
A winter storm has claimed my bowels:
A gurgling, groaning, greasy grumbling
Like snoring snakes or Satan mumbling –
A truly rank, repulsive rumbling.
Why did I neither stop nor think
Before I took that lengthy drink
Of lukewarm, long-expired milk?
‘Twas more like cottage cheese than silk.
I hesitate
Even to relate
The archaic expiry date
Upon that grim and grimy carton.
I blame it for my future fartin’.
By God, what is that sickly sodden hum
Emerging from my damned duodenum?
A ladies’ toilet, I must say,
Has never felt so far away.

Would that certain friends (you know who you are) had been there for the dramatic recitation of this piece. Afterward, by chance, I ran into a classmate who shall remain nameless at a certain big-box bookstore that shall remain nameless, and the person very kindly offered some words of praise to my composition, capping off the compliment with: “You should submit that somewhere.”

To which I replied, laughing: “Where?”

The person said yeah, that was a good question.

Shortly thereafter I went to pay for the Nabokov novel I couldn’t resist leaving with because it’s VladFest 2010 over here in the Strayerverse lately. Twice I swiped my debit card and punched in my PIN while haphazardly trying to explain to the cashier, in response to his surprise that I’d chosen Ava, or Ardor rather than the new one, that I’m ambivalent about the publication of The Original of Laura and haven’t yet decided whether I want to read it. Twice my card was rejected by the soulless machine. Eventually I had to accept that my bank account contained less than $22; accordingly, with great maturity and sound fiscal reasoning, I resolved the problem by apologetically informing the cashier that I wouldn’t be making the purchase after all paying with my Visa.

Could I maybe clean up the metrical and structural flaws and then send the poem to a medical journal? Is there a Gastroenterology Digest? (Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Get it?)

This post shows how possible it is to have class and no class at all on the same day…

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. cockrocker69 permalink
    January 23, 2010 9:34 pm

    I stand by the relatively safe consumption of well-expired dairy products. Your results may vary.

  2. One Foot Stool permalink
    January 25, 2010 10:40 am

    I am happy with the scatological innuendo of the “motion sensing” bathroom freshener http://www.airwick.us/imotion/

    • Kate permalink*
      January 26, 2010 12:58 pm

      Just set that up in your washroom and urine business!

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