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Comments That Should Be Banned from the Universe Forever

December 29, 2009

We’re about to enter a new year, and although there’s no genuine profound shift in the cosmos between December 31, 2009 and January 1, 2010, a new year is always a good opportunity to do some cleaning and straightening. I mean the figurative psychological type, but I’m also setting a good literal example by clearing out bag after bag of crap from what is soon to become my erstwhile apartment. You wouldn’t think a person with so little stuff could have so much garbage. But you would be wrong. The good news is that anything can be thrown out. It’s just a matter of realizing you haven’t worn/looked at/thought about a certain thing in almost two years and then tossing it into the right bag. You have to get over certain weird sensitivities (does anyone else out there frequently feel sympathy or pity toward inanimate objects?), but after that it’s all good. Anyway, but the psychological cleaning and straightening is a good thing to do as well, and it’s something you can get on board with even if it doesn’t happen to be the case that in nine days you’re moving away from all your friends and every familiar thing in your life except your cat, who totally knows something’s up, by the way.

Cleaning, whether literal or figurative, is more effective and less of a burden when it’s done in manageable, organized increments. I was thinking that maybe for 2010 the English-speaking members of the human race could all make a pact never to utter any of the following five comments again. Each of them is obnoxious in its own way and none of them have ever made any kind of contribution to any conversation. Five things isn’t a lot of things to not get to say anymore. Not a big deal. Let’s toss these idiocies into the bag with my dried-out Mr. Sketch (wow, I just realized that’s a bit of an interesting name for a product used primarily by young girls – in terms of appropriateness level it’s right up there with Wet Banana) markers and ratty old sweaters and move on.


Why is there only one New Year’s joke? Why? It’s a big topic. Clever people of Earth, I implore you to come together every ten years and think of at least three or four original New Year’s jokes. I get that man is fascinated by the concept of time, but goddamn it, enough already. Everyone says it so many times every year and thinks they’re so goddamn witty. This is what happens in every home in the English-speaking world on December 31:


“Ahahahahahahahhhhh, yeah, see you next year!”

I’m just shaking my head over here.


Unless you’re commenting on homosexual intercourse, you have absolutely no reason to use this expression ever. Language is what makes my life worth living, and I am totally and completely down with the idea of it being fluid. I love it that words can evolve in unpredictable ways. I can spend hours looking up etymologies. We’ve talked about this. But fuck, though:

“Dude, do you have homework?”

“Yeah, like four pages.”

“That’s so gay.”

Is it? Is it really? Is that the adjective that really sums up the situation for you? What the fuck is wrong with you, you fucking astonishingly useless and inarticulate 19-year-old assclown? There are so many better words you could have used there. Some of them are heavily profane, if that sweetens the deal at all. Choose one.

3. “TGIF!”

Eugh. Augh. Enough. How often do we hear this played out between two businessdouchebags:

“What a week, eh?”

“No kidding! TGIF!”

Great, now it’s been established that you like weekends. What an intriguing revelation. I feel like I’m really getting to know you. Tell me more.


This expression has been filling me with rage for years. I don’t understand its popularity. It sounds like a freaky combination of baby talk and racist mockery.


“Heyyy, Gordie! Long time no see!”

It’s so embarrassingly ungrammatical in every possible way. No verb, “see” as a noun, “no” trying to look all casual and innocent but completely aware that it has no place in the situation. What’s wrong with “It’s been a while” or “Nice to see you again”? Similar syllable count, with the added bonus of containing some English grammar and making some damn sense.

5. “ME TIME”

There must have been an article with this expression in a women’s interest magazine in the late ’90s, because now you can’t get through a day without hearing the following toothgrindingly annoying conversation between two women:

“Are you going to be around later?”

“I’ll be home in the afternoon but this morning I’m going to the mall for some me time.”

I’m not arguing with the idea of women taking some time away from work and/or kids to do what they want to do. Work is stressful and housewifery is probably boring and everyone needs a break sometimes. It’s not the concept that makes me want to vomit, it’s the expression. “Me time.” It’s so goddamned babyish and it’s got this crusty gross layer of self-consciously self-indulgent “I’m special, I deserve this” trendy pop-psychology narcissist garbage that undermines the total 100% legitimacy of spending a couple hours doing something other than being bossed around by customers/coworkers or chasing snotty brats through the house trying to get them to eat their cereal. I guess part of my detestation of the phrase comes from the fact that the first time I heard it it was uttered by this ex-roommate who used to be my friend and then morphed into a snobby materialistic paranoid bitch and started doing the most insane things like piling the couches on top of each other and hording all the cushions in her bedroom in order to prevent me from using her furniture. I wonder how she’s doing these days. Hopefully she’s found her way to a good psychiatrist by now, because holy shit. Anyway, can we all stop saying “me time”? It’s every shade of hideous. Right up there with “self-care,” which is definitely going to make my list next year.

Five things. The world will be a better place without them. Maybe instead of eradicating them completely we could give them to French, if it hasn’t already stolen them. Except in French, “TGIF” would of course become something like “JSTHQCV”! Barely an acronym at all…

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