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6 Things Men Need to Know About Women

November 15, 2009

Ladies, how many times has this happened to you: you’re on a romantic date at a trendy uptown restaurant with your boyfriend. There’s wine, candlelight, and a lone violinist making the rounds. The food on the table is delicious, and under the table, you’re playing a mean game of footsie in your brand new 3″ red leather heels. It’s a perfect evening – or should be. BF pays the bill with his Gold Card, and as you’re sipping your after-dinner coffee, just as you’re thinking to yourself that this night couldn’t get any better and BF just might be “the one,” he suddenly remarks: “You look fat. Have you gained weight recently?”

Argh! Boys, you know we love you, but sometimes, you can be a real pain in the…well, you know. That’s why we’ve compiled a list of the top 6 things every man should know about staying in the good books of the hot, sexy vixen who keeps him warm at night. And without further ado – here they are!

6.  BRING A GIFT. Feminism is all well and good, but the fact is, a woman wants to know she’s appreciated. Maybe money can’t buy love, but it can put a super cute smile on your girlfriend’s face! When you’ve got a date, bring flowers, or a cute stuffed animal – or a diamond ring! Women are insecure, and they need hard evidence that the man they love is committed to them. What better way to show her you’re serious about the relationship than by showering her with presents? Trust us – she’ll thank you later, if you know what we mean!

5.  ‘FAT’ IS A FOUR-LETTER WORD. Sure, a muffin top can be distracting, but when she’s strutting her stuff in a less-than-flattering outfit, try to keep your mouth shut and remember that you don’t always look like Brad Pitt yourself! A flawless figure is a bonus, but criticism isn’t going to inspire her to add some much-needed umph to her morning workout routine. And relax: these days, celebrities like Jennifer Lopez are making it more acceptable to have your arm around a woman with a generous badonkadonk.

4.  NO HITTING. Okay, guys, we admit it: sometimes, we’re emotional. When you come home two hours late from work, or show up drunk to our sister’s wedding, you’re going to get an earful. Women can get pretty hysterical, but even if the decibel level of your girlfriend’s frustration begins to give you a doozy of a headache, keep your hands to yourself! It’s not that we don’t appreciate a strong, assertive partner – we just don’t like him putting unattractive bruises on the face we work so hard to keep beautiful!

3.  AIM CAREFULLY. Women love a guy with a powerful stream. It makes us feel safe and protected – and reminds us of certain *ahem* other things our main man’s plumbing can do! On the other hand, when you get up to answer the call of nature at 2:00 a.m., we’ll thank you to keep the fire hose under control. We do the lion’s share of the cleaning, and we’d rather not spend our Saturday afternoon wiping the results of your “creative expression” off the floor and walls. Plus, the less time we spend on housework, the more time we have to express our fond feelings for you in other, more enjoyable ways!

2.  SHE WANTS BABIES. LOTS OF THEM. Every woman is different, but we all have one thing in common: we need to have kids in order to feel fulfilled. If you’re going to date us, you just have to accept that we will talk your ear off about our desire for a family. Even the most aggressive businesswoman has a deep-seated biological longing for a house full of wee ones, and if you aren’t willing to “plant your seed in her garden,” she’ll find another “watering can”! Kids are expensive and a lot of work, but they’re the price you have to pay if you want us to stick around. If you don’t like it, then we’ll be all too happy to show you the door!

1. FIND THE CLITORIS. Of course, we love everything you do to us in the bedroom – but let’s just say some nights are better than others! In this age of technology, it’s easier than ever to do a little research before “heading south.” If you don’t have access to a computer, why not just ask your special lady to help you out? She’ll be glad to provide directions, and you’ll both enjoy the trip!

Well, that’s it – six little things you can do to make a big difference in your relationship! Why not give it a shot and put these tips into practice? After all, wouldn’t you and your special gal rather spend this evening “between the sheets” than screaming at each other in a trendy uptown restaurant? We thought so!

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