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Not Only Trick, But Also Treat

October 29, 2009

If you’re like most Canadians, you’re looking in a mirror right now and exclaiming to yourself: “It’s October 29, and I don’t have a Hallowe’en costume yet! OH, SHIT!”

Calm down, idiot. It’s easy to come up with costume ideas. But if you’re a Lazy Daisy or a Procrasti-Nathan or an Unimaginative Son of a Bitch, why not simply bogart one of mine? Who would know that you didn’t come up with it yourself, right? I could list hundreds, possibly thousands of costume suggestions, but studies have shown over and over again that people expect an item of online content to be 500 words or shorter. They stop paying attention after that. And because the world has decided to cater to this utter foolishness instead of forcing people to develop an attention span so that they will be capable of absorbing and appreciating thoughts more complex than “Blast your abs for bikini season!”, I’ll list five and call it a day. Besides, the numbers 6 through 9 will probably fall out of use by the year 2050, and I don’t want to date myself.

(Who am I kidding? I’ve been dating myself for almost 30 years.)

OUR DAILY BEARD’S TOP FIVE FUN, FAST ‘N’ FABULOUS COSTUMES

Baby, you and me ain't nothing but mammals

Baby, you and me ain't nothing but mammals

1. HANGOVER PERSON

We’ve all been there: a few too many wobbly-pops at a shindig, and before you know it, you’re on a table with a bunch of your equally hot cousins performing a hastily choreographed dance routine to the Bloodhound Gang’s “The Bad Touch.” In the moment, it always feels fantastic, and part of the fun is laughing off friends’ concerns that you’re in for a world of pain in the morning. Hangovers are no fun in real life – but Hallowe’en is all about make-believe!  You can pay tribute to those less-than-perfect mornings-after simply by showing up for your friends’ Pumpkin Day festivities dressed in your grubbiest jeans and your oldest t-shirt. To add hilarious detail, take a shower the night before the party and go to bed while your hair is still wet. You’ll look like total ass when you wake up. And to complete the look, leave your makeup (ladies) or razor (gents) in the cupboard under the sink and head to the party au naturel. Nobody attends to personal care details the day after consuming ten Jagerbombs!

2. CRAZY PILLOW CASE HEAD

I actually went trick-or-treating as this made-up character one year, and I wish I could have seen the reactions! But I couldn’t, because I had a damn pillow case on my head! Somewhat inspired by an old Adam Sandler comedy routine, Crazy Pillow Case Head was a costume to remember. And the best part of all was how easy it was! If you’re looking for a costume idea that will weird your fellow party guests out while simultaneously confusing them, Crazy Pillow Case Head just might be the alias for you. All you need is an old pillow case, a few Sharpies, and a big imagination! Draw a ridiculous face on the pillow case. Then, slip it over your head. Done!

3. LE PETOMANE

Et voila: Le Petomane!

Et voila: Le Petomane!

Le Petomane, born Joseph Pujol, was a French entertainer in the early 20th century. His specialty was – wait for it – passing wind! He could fart anything – animal noises, songs, sound effects, and more! Sure, you might have to explain your costume to some of the guests, but it’s safe to say that by the end of the night, everyone at the party will have learned many interesting facts about one of Europe’s greatest heroes of the theatre. Le Petomane dressed quite simply, but if you plan on paying tribute to this wonderful French gentleman, you may need to purchase a hairpiece and a false moustache – especially if you’re female!

4. A PROSTITUTE (OR STRIPPER)

Ladies, are you looking to explore your sexy side this Hallowe’en? Of course you are! So why not do your gender proud by squeezing your can into some fly hot pants and treating your bazonkas to the sensual feel of some kind of sequinned tube top? If you own a pair of tight, high-heeled boots in a dramatic colour, all the better! Back-comb your hair like it’s never been back-combed before, and stuff your pockets and shirt with condoms and five-dollar bills to complete the illusion. If you’re bringing a “special friend” to the party, why not have him dress up as a procurer, or “pimp”? Hilarious!

5. MARCUS CALPURNIUS BIBULUS

We’ve all heard of Julius Caesar, that guy is old news, but did you know that he had a co-consul? M. Calpurnius Bibulus was a member of the Roman senate, and in 59 BC, supported by Rome’s conservatives and wealthy “fat cats,” he was elected consul. Julius Caesar was also consul that year, and he was way more popular. In fact, his supporters were called the populares, which is Latin for “the populars.” One time during a meeting of the Assembly, Bibulus tried to veto one of Caesar’s bills, as a result of which he was pelted with fasces and feces. You can make history come alive by wrapping yourself in a white sheet and “decorating” it liberally with brown fabric paint. Now you’re Bibulus!

Maybe you’re excited to try out one of these fun and easy ideas – or maybe my suggestions have inspired you to come up with one of your own! Either way, you better get cracking – Hallowe’en party season starts tomorrow!

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