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Reincarnation: It Just Makes Sense

October 28, 2009

As the careful reader may have surmised, I am not a religious man. I’m not even a man at all. But yesterday when I came home to a kitchen flooded with the tepid food-specked effluent of the upstairs neighbours’ kitchen sink, I had an epiphany.

My brothers and sisters, since time immemorial, I have been beplagued with strange plumbing misfortunes. Hear ye now of my copious struggles! Let the scroll be unfurled!

1.1 When I was sitting-of-house for two of my UW professors, did I not, within three hours of their departure on a long journey to a distant land, hear most prodigious rumblings and splashings from the bowels of the dwelling?

1.2 And did I not address myself thus: “That sounds most terribly like water shooting through a plastic pipe and gushing forth in a geyser onto a concrete floor”? And did my self not speak and reply in response:

1.3 “Keep ye calm, and freak ye not out, for surely these sounds are naught but typical house-sounds”?

1.4 And three hours later, did I not cede to my misgivings and descend to the basement? Did my eyes not behold the sight of water shooting through a plastic pipe and gushing forth in a geyser onto a concrete floor?

1.5 And one hour thence, did the water heater not begin to leak most cunningly? And did I not spend the next fortnight manufacturing wondrous spill-catchers out of surplus cat litterboxes and other such items as were to be discovered in the bowels of the house?

2.1 And further, was I not faced with an eternally clogged toilet during the time that I dwelt in Lions Park in the basement of the creepy lord of the land?

2.2 Indeed, did I not hie myself to Home Depot to purchase, with money I needed for groceries, a toilet auger? And did it not fail to have the slightest effect?

2.3 And throughout that same time, was my shower not also possessed by a demon of water stagnation? Was I not convinced that a tree root had grown into the piping?

2.4 Was I not called forth an hundred of times to remedy the problem by means of an old towel and a most inefficacious plunger with a hole therein?

2.5 And throughout this time, was the creepy lord of the land not hitting on me to the greatest extent? Was he not phantasizing that his manhood was a drain auger and that my shame was a blocked pipe? Was I not uncomfortable, and did I not pray for deliverance?

3.1 And when my neighbours above me did cleanse the filth from their bodies each morning, did the waters from their ablutions not descend continually from the rotting ceiling-timbers onto my microwave?

3.2 Was I not called forth to wrap a garment of my own clothing around the aged pipe in a vain attempt to put an end to the dripping?

3.3 And did the dishwasher in this same abode not back up continually, filling my home with the stench of stagnation and flooding the ill-lain linoleum? Did the brazen millipedes and spiders not rejoice and drink their fill?

4.1 And when, with the term of my lease having ended, I took up residence with friends, did their dishwasher not give up the ghost the very day following their departure on a journey to faraway lands?

4.2 Did I not descend once more to another’s basement and seek to remedy the malady? And was I not as unsuccessful as ever?

4.3 Is my understanding of the obscurities of piping not like unto an aged garment with manifold moth-holes and mouse-chewings?

5.1 Verily I proclaim all of these happenings to be true. Onward: Even in the homes of others I am cursed by ill-luck. Was it not on the birthday of a man from a faraway land that I did attend his celebratory gathering, and did I not drink freely of rum, and was I not called to urinate?

5.2 And had a hose not disconnected from the tank of the toilet? When I flushed, did water not spray out of the hose and travel far and wide, soaking the bathroom and my garments alike?

5.3 And did the others in attendance not laugh in abundance at my expense?

I could have written off a lot of this stuff as coincidence, but the disgusting events of yesterday have caused me to realize that none of it is any accident. I am a skeptic no longer. Reincarnation is the only explanation. It’s basically obvious that my body is housing the reincarnated soul of an incompetent, price-inflating plumber. As I mopped my sopping floor, I realized that all these weird plumbing calamities add up to some serious comeuppance.

Divine enmity is being dispensed to me with enthusiasm and a generous hand. If I could remember what exactly my soul did to incur such retribution, I’d probably have a better shot of issuing a proper apology to the right people or making up for my misdeeds and ridding myself of the curse, but that’s not how reincarnation works. You never get your own back story. You just have to put up with the ridiculous way things play out and assume that you deserve all of it. In a way, reincarnation is not unlike blackout drunkenness. You wake up somewhere, maybe in your own bed but probably not, and you have to reconstruct the past 12 hours using solely the few clues that are presently available. Strange smells, personal effects in odd places, voice mails from people whose acquaintance you don’t recall making… You know some kind of shit must have gone down, but the fact that you don’t remember any of it keeps you from being able to assume full responsibility for your actions or make the necessary amends.

May the lord of the land hie himself hither with all speed and call upon a plumber to extract the foul blockage from the pipes of my kitchen.

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