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For the Love of God

October 22, 2009

For the past month or so I’ve been making a habit of kind of haphazardly halfassedly checking out other WordPress blogs, usually whichever ones appear in the “Most Recent Posts” section of the dashboard. I feel like I now have a pretty good sense of what’s out there. This is what’s out there: nine thousand million billion Christian blogs. All different kinds of them. The freaky apocalyptic kind, the mom-homeschooling-her-twelve-kids kind, the Bible study pre-game show / post-game wrap-up kind, the humble “Oh me oh my I just hope I’m doing the Lord’s work in some small way” kind, the “I know how to interpret scripture correctly and everyone who reads it differently will burn in hell” kind, the “God is all around you and this closeup photo of a leaf proves it” kind. You name it.

I’m not trying to offend anyone. Everyone’s entitled to believe in whatever they like, and most people are pretty reasonable and balanced when it comes to their religious or philosophical views. I’m an open-minded person and I love philosophy in most of its forms. I even have a degree in medieval Christian philosophy for some reason. But I get the heebiest of jeebies when someone is deeply obsessed with a theory or concept without having any idea why, and I really don’t care for self-righteous ignorant fuckwads in general regardless of what they’re preaching about.

What I object to, and what this post is dedicated to mocking the hell out of, isn’t Christianity. It’s the saccharine, simple-minded, banal, waste-of-space, totally unnecessary blogs.

Let’s assume that there is a God. It’s the Christian God, and He’s every bit as powerful, amazing, loving, terrifying, and omniscient as the Bible says He is. He created the whole universe, He created the world, He created humanity. Our God is a fucking awesome God. He is responsible for the governance of everything that goes on here on Earth, as well as in Heaven. (Hell is sort of a grey area.) He makes all the decisions about what’s going to happen everywhere and to everyone. He answers the prayers of millions. He has existed forever and will exist forever. He is the Prime Mover. He is all things and all things are Him.

This guy (we’re also assuming that an immaterial being can have a gender) is incredible and terrifying. He’s great and He’s good and He’s badass as hell. This is the essence of Christian philosophy.

And so here’s my question, ubiquitous Christian bloggers: where the eff did you get the idea that God – the immortal all-knowing creator and ruler of the entire universe – is so motherfucking insipid? You all seem to be under the impression that you can get brownie points from the Lord by writing five to ten paragraphs a day about one of the following things:

  • how much you like the Bible
  • how you really enjoy praying first thing in the morning/last thing in the evening/all the time
  • how beautiful nature is and how you consider that proof of God’s existence
  • how you completely trust God’s decisions even when they have difficult consequences for you
  • how Jesus is your best friend
  • how convinced you are that God has a plan for you and how excited you are to follow His path
  • how many times you went to church this week
  • how many times you’re planning to go to church next week
  • how excited you are about going to heaven

As I understand it, God has a lot of major projects and important shit going on. He’s running the whole universe. He does all the business. No, He doesn’t just do the business – He is the business. And God is qualified for His job because He is the eternally living incarnation of maximum intelligence. Assuming that He can occasionally find a bit of time to read what His worshippers are writing, don’t you feel like you owe it to Him to have composed something with one or two original thoughts in it, something with some substance and depth and maybe even a little bit of non-lame humour, instead of the same sappy superficial drivel that He’s already read nine hundred million billion times before? Give God some credit! He is really, really, really smart! Why do you write about Him like He’s a five-year-old who needs constant praise and attention and reassurance that you think He’s very special? Why not make your existence worth His time by composing some insightful, imaginative prose in His name instead of feeding Him more of this generic mindless praise-pablum that would probably make Him puke if He were even slightly less incorporeal?

And do you really think He needs you to quote the Bible all the time? Dude’s got that shit memorized!

May the Holy Ghost haunt you all on the 31st until you repent of your foolish blatherings.

Amen.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. cockrocker69 permalink
    October 22, 2009 9:38 pm

    When I was in the fold, that’s what drove me especially nuts: everyone sounds the fucking same. And the so-called contemporary music bit donkey cock. It was all the same horrible stuff, the only difference between it and old hymns was the messy hair and unbuttoned shirts (one button) of the contemporary singers/bands.

    God is great. Ok, we fucking get it.

    • Kate permalink*
      October 23, 2009 9:04 am

      All those bands are interchangeable and lame. If God prefers that generic swill to the Beatles and Led Zeppelin, then I officially have no respect for him.

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