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Sometimes

October 8, 2009

Yahoo is always running these ridiculous polls. They’re a window into the souls of that subsection of human beings who regularly participate in online polls on yahoo.com; i.e., the dregs of the plebs, plus the occasional office worker who’s sneaking a minute of work-unrelated internet time. A few days ago the question was “Has Stephen Harper’s performance of a Beatles classic made you more likely to vote for him in a future election?” And fuck, 37% of respondents said yes! Goddamn it, people! It was two minutes of levity! It wasn’t even the whole song! And what an obvious safe classically conservative choice! Everyone likes the Beatles! This country needs to raise its standards. I’m just shaking my head over here.

Today’s poll is even sillier – “Do you wash your hands after every bathroom visit?” – and the results are even more alarming. Good news first: a solid 78% of the voting population says yes. It should have been 100%, because, as countless unmedicated OCD patients have rightly noted, the human body is a perpetually filthy place from top to bottom. But we can’t have everything. I’ll take 78%.

Only 9% are a flat-out “no.” People like that are an unfortunate reality and the best we can do is to marvel at their brazenness and try not to be touched by them. I’m always mildly impressed (albeit majorly disgusted) when someone emerges from a stall and just walks straight out of the bathroom. That’s gumption. Today’s non-handwashers are tomorrow’s CEOs.

The people I really don’t like to encounter are the 14% who have chosen “sometimes.” Sometimes? This is a disturbing response. These people go to the bathroom, flush the toilet, and then – instead of automatically heading to the sink like most of us do, or strutting self-importantly out the door unrattled by the silent horror of their fellow washroom visitors – think about whether handwashing is really necessary. They’re just a little too lazy to join the majority and make handwashing a part of their bathroom routine, but at the same time they’re just a little too unconfident to reject handwashing categorically like our powerful crap’n’go captains of industry. They live in a world of uncertainty and befuddlement. These are the people who are always right in front of you in whatever line you’re standing in or approaching whatever help desk you’re working at. Irregardless of what the situation is, they’re totally unprepared to hold up their end of it. They don’t know what they want, or they didn’t bring the right documentation, or they can’t remember what class they’re taking. They’re the 14% who take up 90% of your time. They like everything to be as time-consuming and complicated as possible, and their bathroom transactions are no exception. After they’ve relieved themselves, they consider themselves to be faced with a difficult decision. They relive the experience and contemplate its implications: “Well, I only peed, so…” or “That was pretty involved, my hands could probably do with a soapdown.” That kind of thing. These people are unpredictable and stupid, which makes them the most dangerous members of our society. And often the germiest.

Wash your hands, for god’s sake. Every time. Don’t make a mental debate team meeting out of it, just fucking do it. And if you want to hear a good rendition of “With a Little Help from My Friends,” the Beatles can help you out with that. All their albums have been remastered and rereleased. You can find Sgt. Pepper’s pretty much anywhere.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. cockrocker69 permalink
    October 8, 2009 1:31 pm

    As Jesus said of those namby-pamby flip-floppers: “So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth.” -Rev.3.16.

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