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Hump Day: Contemplation and Reflection

October 7, 2009

In classical times, every day was like Valentine’s Day. Everywhere you went, love was in the air. Kitchen cupboards were well-stocked with plates and bowls depicting donkey-on-human ten-way orgies, and the living rooms of the opulent were sure to feature at least one statue of a cock with the face and wings of a bird. Religious stories teemed with all manner of lustful copulations: man on woman, god on goddess, woman on bull, man on man, god on girl, swan on girl, river on girl, bull on girl, lightning on girl, golden shower on girl, Sappho on girl, and the list goes on. Have you heard of the medical condition known as priapism? It’s named after an ancient Greek man named Priapus who really existed and was beplagued by incessant tumescence. Doctors were baffled! They kept sacrificing cock after cock to Asclepius but it had absolutely no effect!

If you study classics over a long period of years, you get to a point where you have no choice but to conclude that the Greeks and Romans must have devoted literally 95% of their time to the pursuit of unconventional sexual interactions. In our hectic, go-go-go, race-that-rat, climb-that-corporate-ladder, put-a-ring-on-it society, we can’t spend as much of our lives playing crotch hockey as our ancient brethren and sistren did. Fortunately, we’ve recently invented Hump Day. Every Wednesday, we have a chance to express our natural biological urges in the form of soliciting intercourse with, or “humping,” any consenting adult in our vicinity. It can get pretty wild – but it works for us!

Still, we can learn a thing or two from our erotic predecessors, and everybody likes a good wholesome serving of classical history first thing in the morning. Hump Day was created in the 20th century A.D. by a pair of luminaries each of whom claims to have descended from a special and important classical man, one of whom was Greek (Alcibiades, you persistent old rogue), the other Roman (Hostius Quadra, you perverted son of a bitch).

Alcibiades was a charismatic military man with a libido that refused to quit – much like the ass of his fellow soldier Socrates. Socrates would later rise to fame as the most popular philosopher of all time, but you have to keep in mind that the word “popular” when applied to a philosopher doesn’t really have the same import as it does when applied to a famous athlete or reality show star. Anyway, during the campaign of Potidaea, Alcibiades found himself sharing a tent (Zeus, why do you always do shit like this to people?) with the object of his affections, which led to some intensive one-way flirtation on Alcibiades’ part – reproduced for the reader’s convenience in Plato’s Symposium – after lights out. Socrates steadfastly spurned the advances, and Alcibiades got no play. Although humiliated, over time he came to respect the elder gentleman’s restraint. We can all take a lesson from this. If you’re in a tent with the person you love, you should tell him or her how you feel. Because you never know. Not everyone is a tight-ass like some people. And tent sex gets consistently good reviews. Just ask anyone who’s gone camping.

Hostius Quadra was a total perv whose exploits are documented in Seneca’s Natural Questions (more like Unnatural Questions, am I right?). This guy created a funhouse-like hall of mirrors in his mansion and spent his days trawling the Forum looking for hot people of both genders. He would then bring them home with him and they would have orgies in the chamber of reflections. Dude spent most of his time watching himself and his partners in the mirrors, which had been constructed to distort the size of everything they reflected. (Let’s just say that objects in that room may have been smaller than they appeared.)  He was filthy rich, so there probably wasn’t much he couldn’t get his guests to do to him and/or each other, and he was utterly shameless about taking pride in his conquests and creativity. “I submit to both a man and a woman. Nevertheless, also with that part of my body not occupied I perform the role of a male in the violation of another person,” explains Hostius, adding: “All my organs are occupied in the lechery.” Why doesn’t anyone talk like that anymore? So depraved, yet so eloquent. Sigh…

These gentlemen – the persistent unrequited lover and the disgusting lech – are the two halves of the Hump Day coin. They lit the torch of our Wednesday tradition, and the fires of their passion burn in our eyes and in those of our coworkers. Let’s go out there and do Alcibiades and Hostius Quadra proud.

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