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You Can’t Put a Price on Laughter

October 6, 2009

Instigated by the previously mentioned WFF (previously pseudonymmed Jurgen), I have just returned from a visit to a very interesting website. Let’s call it

http://www.business-opportunities.biz/projects/how-much-is-your-blog-worth/submit/

This site purports to determine the value of one’s blog. I was excited to see all my hard work of the past couple months expressed in the form of a dollar sign followed by a shitload of digits! As I typed Our Daily Beard’s address into the calculation chamber, I was thinking about what I would buy with the cash. Probably liquor, I decided. Probably a lot of it. And I wasn’t going to claim the web equity on my tax return, either. There weren’t going to be any greedy fat cats’ hands in my pocket. No sirree. Not until at least the third or fourth date. I mean, buy me a good meal and we’ll talk. A steak or something.

Unfortunately, it took the computer about five billionths of a nanosecond to slap my soul in the face thusly:

Your blog, ourdailybeard.wordpress.com, is worth $0.00

Cinnamon cocks! Computers are so full of shit! How can a bunch of binary code calculate the value of a brightened day? How can technology put a price on the humanities? And this thing is totally fucking biased, anyway. When I entered the address of the blog on which the value calculator is featured, of course the value calculator very conveniently had fantastic news:

Your blog, business-opportunities.biz, is worth $107,827.14

What exactly is this calculator calculating? Clearly it isn’t giving any consideration to the creativity quotient or the profanity algorithm. It’s making a complete mess of the linguistics statistics, and let’s not even get into its sloppy handling of the satire matrix. All it cares about is how many times the word “business” and its irritating abbreviations appear in the URL. Fuck. I’m so angry right now. I’d like to give this website my two cents, but apparently I don’t have two cents. And even if I did, the site doesn’t need my money.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. July 1, 2010 4:22 pm

    I just typed “whitehouse.gov” into the calculator, and it’s worth exactly the same amount as your blog… Now, should you be impressed or offended?

    • Kate permalink*
      July 1, 2010 6:20 pm

      I’m impressed! The White House is the one who should be offended.

      I can’t figure out how this blog value calculator is calculating blog value. But then, in these days of ridiculous technology, I can’t figure out how anything does anything.

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