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Thank You Brazil

September 21, 2009

If you’re like me, you get all your news and information from, and you therefore will have read a certain article that was printed about a month ago. Brazil is now running a series of advertisements designed to encourage people to save water by peeing in the shower (while showering, one assumes, although that is not stated explicitly in the article).

Brazil is a country of many inventions. Brazil nuts are one of the all-time most maddening additions to seasonal edibilia. They’re the delicious ones that come encased in the slippery-bark-like shell that’s fused together at the seams in such a complex and thorough manner that the nutcracker your mom bought at the dollar store four years ago is simply no match for it. You can shake the shell and hear the nut rattling around inside, mocking you in its native language. And you keep trying, because you’re not going to let a fucking nut diss you like that, and anyway your aunt and grandma are watching with these perplexed expressions on their faces like “You went to university for how long?” So you put your right foot on the coffee table for leverage and wrap the nutcracker around the shell again and squeeze it like you’re [content deleted by]. And the slippery little fucker escapes from the cracker’s grip and the cracker simultaneously slips from yours and the nut goes flying across the living room while the cracker falls onto the glass coffee table with such a mighty kapow that everyone in the kitchen is startled and the room goes utterly silent and you slowly back away, vowing never to cross paths with an uncracked Brazil nut again. But next year the exact same thing happens anyway. We’re always telling ourselves we’ve changed, but have we? Have we really?

It’s not only nuts that have captured Brazil’s attention. Vaginas get love from the country too, in the form of the Brazilian wax, a thing where for some reason, you go to a place, take your pants off, and pay another person to style your pubic hair. I’ve never done it myself, because of how horrifying every element of the idea sounds to me, but those who have endured the procedure unanimously report the presence of extreme pain. On the other hand, these depubified individuals can now go to the beach with confidence, irregardless of how virtually nonexistent their bathing suits may be. Also, the results are appreciated by partners and spouses who prefer a hairless kind of love in the boudoir. Voulez-vous venir a mon boudoir? Je n’ai pas de cheveux sur ma petite chaton. Ah zut, tu as des <<herpes>>. Alors, je ne vais pas faire de la soixante-neuf avec toi. C’est dommage.

Just when we thought Brazil couldn’t get any more invasively inventive, it has proven us wrong with its latest creation. I suspect that many people have been having Brazilian showers every morning for years, but props to this enterprising nation for legitimizing what has to this point been merely an act of laziness or hungover exhaustion or contempt for one’s host. It’s been conclusively demonstrated over and over at grade five sleepovers that warm water is conducive to the flow of urine, and now, finally, we can all enjoy a guilt-free morning showerpiss. Toiletless urination is going to be a worldwide sensation. I wish I could join my countrymen in this fun and environmentally sensitive ritual, but my bathtub’s drain is slower than a mentally challenged tortoise. I encourage each of my readers to have a Brazilian shower on my behalf.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. cockrocker69 permalink
    September 21, 2009 12:54 pm

    One can only assume the Japanese have cornered the market on the showerpoo; possibly the germans.

  2. Kate permalink*
    September 21, 2009 7:19 pm

    You’re back with another one of those cock rockin’ beats.


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